Save the Minces!!

Well it's that time of year again; the time when mince meat pies make their appearance. Have you ever wondered where the mince meat comes from? Anyone who has done any research, including me, knows that the meat of a tiny animal known as a "mince" is the source of what many consider a Holiday delicacy.

Let me give you the history of the Mince. Minces were around during biblical times. They were on Noah's Ark. In the Old Testament book of Huzzah it says, "It is harder to capture a mince than it is to get into the Kingdom of Heaven". (Newest Revised Version). Minces are now found only in Ireland. They live underground and feed on the lush grasses of the many golf courses immediately after a heavy rain. They are as tiny as field mice. They can only be captured by shining a very bright light on them day or night (hence the saying "the mince in the headlight look"), scooping them up and throwing them into a boiling pot of water immediately. In Ireland, Leprechauns earn their living by catching them, boiling them and selling them to mince meat factories (hence, the saying "a pot of mince at the end of the rainbow").

It takes about 20 minces to provide enough mince meat for a pie, and there are about 100 million mince meat pies served during the holiday season, therefore it takes about 2 billion minces to provide meat for the pies every year.

Minces reproduce raidly (there is a related saying which I cannot share in mixed company), producing 12 litters of young every year (the young are called "mincelets") and each litter averages about 12 mincelets per litter (hence the saying " a gross (12 times 12) of mincelets").

There are about 14 million breeding pairs of minces in Ireland today which is just enough to supply the present demand for mince meat pie world- wide today. There are however, some problems which must be addressed if the minces are to survive:

Habitat destruction is rampant. As houses are being built around Irish golf courses, there is no place for the minces to live, eat and breed (they are very self- conscious animals, too). Unlike the famous spotted owl of North America, minces cannot adapt to alternative habitats.

Younger minces are more susceptible to being tricked into gathering into groups on the golf courses (a group of minces is called a "mincestrel" as they can be quite musical at times). They are then easily captured and killed. Therefore, few new breeding pairs of minces are added every year, and as the older minces pass their reproductive days, the population of minces is seriously endangered.

I propose several solutions to save the rapidly declining mince population :

The President of the United States needs to appoint a commission to study the mince problem. The U.S, is the largest consumer of mince meat in the world and our appetite for mince meat obviously needs to be curbed!

The United States Food and Drug Administration needs to declare mince meat unfit for human consumption. If there is no market for mince meat, the senseless slaughter of these gentle animals will cease and the population of minces will grow rapidly again. If the minces then happen to overrun the golf courses in Ireland because of the fact that their population is growing uncontrollably, I suggest that the Irish watch the movie "Caddyshack" to learn how to deal with this exploding mince population.

The bottom line is that it is up to us, the American mince meat consumer, to stop eating mince meat pies. We need to show the world that we care about saving endangered species before they become extinct! The financial damage to the Irish economy, especially to the Leprechauns, which have acheived minority status, is of much less importance than the saving of these gentle creatures that we call "minces"! We can always increase our foreign aid to Ireland to offset the economic loss caused by the collapse of the mince meat industry, but as we all know, "extinction is forever"!!

Thank you for reading this plea for help. You can contact your local government representative or better yet send money, lots of money, to this blogger's address in the state of Mince-issippi. Contact me at 1-800-NOMINCE for further instructions!